


Smaug Fucks Up Everything

by orphan_account



Series: Smaug Fucks Up Everything [1]
Category: The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: I attempt to make a funny fic, If you squit you can see sexual tension between Bilbo and Smaug, M/M, also between Bilbo and Thorin and Bilbo and Bofur
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-07
Updated: 2013-03-07
Packaged: 2017-12-04 13:05:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/711069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Smaug is lonely.<br/>Lonely enough to befriend a hobbit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Smaug Fucks Up Everything

The small sound in the corner startled Smaug awake. His eyes moved around the vast halls of Erebor, until they landed on a small figure in the corner of the room.  
"Hello," he said. Normally he would've taken one look and roasted the creature alive, but the all-consuming loneliness he'd been feeling told him to let the creature live. If he was lucky it could talk, unlike the birds and mice that he usually woke up to.  
The creature lay on gold, and Smaug couldn't quite recognize its smell. It was blue in color-no, that was clothing, and it had orange-brown hair. The skin seemed unhealthily pale.  
"Hello," it finally responded. It seemed to be hunting for something.  
"What are you looking for?" Smaug asked. He knew this would probably make him kill the creature sooner, but he didn't like thieves.  
"I found it!" the creature suddenly said, holding it up in the air. Smaug could see it, a small gold ring, and he did not recognize it; dragons are well known for knowing every piece of treasure they have. He had no desire for it-the gold was rather pathetic and barely glittered. Whatever the creature was could keep it. The creature must be it's rightful owner.  
"Tell me," said Smaug, "your name."  
The creature froze, then muttered, "Bilbo Baggins."  
"I'm Smaug," he said, "king under the mountain."  
The creature seemed suddenly paler, making them almost white as milk.  
"What brings you here? Certainly you do not wish to fight me."  
"I don't," the creature replied. It stood up, and Smaug guessed this Bilbo Baggins creature to be something like a dwarf and an elf. No, maybe he was more human. . . Smaug just didn't know.  
"Why are you here? Are you a burglar?"  
"Everyone seems to think I am, but I don't know what gives them the idea." Bilbo replied.  
The dragon smiled, then stopped when he saw that Bilbo looked utterly terrified of him. He was not losing his company so soon. "I am considered a thief myself, but I am only doing what comes natural to me. Is that natural to you?"  
"No, but if I don't do this I'll likely die."

 

This was no lie-Thorin had demanded Bilbo retrieve a treasure. "Any treasure," he said. "Just bring it back to me." He'd tightly squeezed Bilbo's wrists, and they were still red. "I need it!" Already gold fever was coming, and Thorin didn't even have the gold yet. There was a cold, murderous look in his eyes that Bilbo would never forget, not to the end of his life.  
"My," Smaug said. "It appears we are more alike than we thought."  
"I guess you could say so," Bilbo replied.  
"Is anyone making you do this?"  
"Yes."  
Smaug began to dig around with one claw, then threw a stone at Bilbo, who barely caught it. It was pale, but it gleamed in the light. "Take this to them," he said. "It is my least favorite treasure. Give it to whoever you are being told by to do this, then come back to me."  
"I will, and I'll try to be quick." Bilbo knew he'd keep his promise-he had to come back again later anyway.  
"Good."  
When Bilbo got back to his friends, they all looked visibly relieved to have him back-especially Bofur and Thorin.  
"What did you bring back?" asked Thorin.  
Bilbo held up the stone, and his friends were shocked.  
"You got the Arkenstone?" Thorin asked. "We thought you'd bring back some pieces of gold, a few diamonds, maybe rubies and emeralds, a golden cup, but you brought the Arkenstone!"  
"He's the god of burglars!" one dwarf remarked.  
"Aren't you glad we brought him?" asked another.  
Thorin wrapped his arms around Bilbo, squeezing him tight, something Bilbo wouldn't have minded feeling again. "You work miracles, halfling."  
"Oh, it was nothing," Bilbo muttered.  
But that night, as everyone else was asleep and Bilbo's watch nearly to end, did he remember his deal with Smaug. He stared up at the mountain, swallowed the lump in his throat, and walked back up. He had a deal with Smaug, and he knew it would be wrong to not go. Not going could even be fatal.  
Bilbo took one last look at Thorin, whose arms were wrapped around the Arkenstone like a child would hold a teddy bear or doll in their sleep. He looked at Bofur, who would be taking the shift after the next. He looked at everyone, knowing that he was doing this for him.  
Dori didn't see him when he started watch, but he shrugged it off as him being busy doing burglar things.

 

"You're back," Smaug said, flashing a toothy grin at Bilbo, who was no longer fazed by it.  
"Why wouldn't I come back?" Bilbo replied. "I said that I would."  
"I just had a fear that you might betray me." He looked straight into the burglar's eyes. "Tell me, the ones who made you come here, do they still wish you dead?"  
"No," Bilbo said, "but I no longer feel like a person to them."  
“What do you mean?”  
“They now see me as the key to treasure.”  
The dragon’s heart sank in his chest. “That is terrible.”  
And that was when Bilbo started to cry, suddenly telling the dragon everything. It went everywhere from his fear of death, to the pains of being homesick, his failed attempt at forming romantic relationships, and all the while Smaug couldn’t comfort him.  
The dragon moved its tail, wrapping it around Bilbo’s leg. He paled again, tears still falling down his cheek. “Wh-what are you doing to me?”  
“You need help,” Smaug said, hoisting Bilbo on his back, landing him between the piles of gold stored on his back. He had quite a few other resting places tucked around Middle Earth, and some of them seemed more favorable right now than to Erebor. He stretched out his wings, broke the great stone roof, then flow into the sky.  
“Where are you taking me?” screamed Bilbo, clutching Smaug as if he’d fall. The red drake would make sure that nothing of the sort happened to him.  
“You said you wanted to be treated as more than a key to treasure,” Smaug said. “So I thought I’d lead the way.”  
“What are you going to do to me?”  
“Let you taste some of my mother’s delicious dragon bread! Believe it or not, but our magic makes the best food!”  
Bilbo glared down at the group of dwarves near Erebor, all looking up in shock. He yelled down to them as loud as he could. “Thorin, you so owe me for this!”

**Author's Note:**

> How To Train Your Dragon, a movie starring Bilbo Baggins and Smaug, who is certainly not toothless.


End file.
